The Sad Truth About Perinatal Grief

When you lose a baby right around birth, you have to go through a painful process called perinatal grief.

When a baby dies after 22 weeks of pregnancy, and up to a week after birth, it is called perinatal death. Dealing with perinatal grief is an intense process.

Perinatal grief is what occurs when a baby dies before or a few days after birth. It is a violent pain that strikes the woman, her partner and the whole family like lightning from a clear sky.

The pregnant woman has decided to have the baby, has been involved in the process and is looking forward to the day when she finally becomes a mother. But for various reasons, the baby can walk away, leaving everyone completely crushed.

The woman, her partner and her family must now go through perinatal grief. As always, when you lose a loved one, it leaves a deep emotional imprint, while at the same time the pain of never getting to know the baby.

When pregnancy turns into sad statistics

When you find out you’m pregnant, it’s like an explosion of happiness. Instantly you feel a stream of emotions, desires and expectations. But you need to go through the first trimester to make sure that the pregnancy is not in great danger.

Spontaneous abortions usually occur before the 12th or 13th week of pregnancy. Although it can also cause women strong emotional pain, it is not technically considered perinatal grief.

It is so named because the baby passes away during the perinatal period. It is the one that runs from the 22nd week of pregnancy until one week after birth.

Perinatal grief takes place in silence

Aside from the intense pain of losing a child you were expecting, people you know or work with do not always understand the perinatal grief you are going through. Therefore, the process of acceptance and processing can become slower and more complex.

There are several factors that can amplify a woman’s feelings when she has lost a child:

Spontaneous abortions or previous perinatal deaths that have not been processed.
How long it has taken to get pregnant.
The woman’s age as time goes on, there may be more pressure to get pregnant.
Feelings of attachment, especially if the baby was born.

Lack of social support. Health insurance and hospitals may not always offer this.
The absence of the father, who did not engage in the pregnancy.
Lack of opportunities to share experiences and memories with family or friends, to give the baby a name or say goodbye.

The phases of perinatal grief

Perinatal grief can last for days, weeks, months, even years. It all depends on the woman’s mind and the circumstances surrounding the baby’s death.

Like all other grief, it consists of several phases.

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The denial phase

At this stage, it is difficult to comprehend that the perinatal death has occurred. The woman’s mind was not prepared to receive such shocking news.

This state of shock and denial is the brain’s attempt to process the overwhelming reality little by little.

The phase of anger

Woman on the road in the evening shows anger

This occurs when a mother feels angry and / or guilty about what has happened. She can get mad at herself, her partner and even the doctors who had contact with her baby.

If the woman is religious, she may become angry with God because she cannot understand how this could happen to her. It is also common to become jealous of couples who have pregnancies without complications and are allowed to be with their children.

The negotiation phase

This stage begins when guilt turns to confusion. “If I had done this or that …” are common thoughts in parents who have suffered this loss.

They repeatedly ask themselves what would or could have happened. If they had done something different than they did, could they have avoided the death of their child? They also imagine how wonderful it would be to have the baby.

The depression phase

Woman experiences depression as part of perinatal grief

After the negotiation phase, depression follows. When one realizes the irrevocable reality that perinatal grief is all about, then emotions or symptoms arise. The woman may, for example, experience sadness, despair, sleep problems or lack of appetite.

There is also anxiety about getting pregnant again. Many women fear that the same thing will happen at the next pregnancy.

Acceptance phase

This is the last stage in the process of perinatal grief. It is when you accept that you have to live on even if you have experienced a loss.

Little by little, the woman returns to her daily routines. But it may take some time before she is ready to get pregnant again.

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Tips to get you over perinatal grief

If you have just experienced the loss of your baby, then you need to know that you have the right to go through perinatal grief. It is necessary so that you can cry, accept, and heal the wound that came because your pregnancy did not have a happy ending.

To survive and overcome the various stages of grief, here are some recommendations:

Your doctor should give you a detailed explanation of the medical problems that caused your loss. In addition, he / she must tell you about the consequences for future pregnancies.

Also, do not stop yourself from talking about, or naming, your baby, in front of your partner, family, friends or colleagues. To get through the pain, you do not have to forget the child you have lost.
In addition, you must mourn as you wish. You do not have to set deadlines for when you have finally “come through”.
You also just have to do what is necessary to get it a little bit better every day.
Do not forget to take care of your physical and emotional health. If you need professional help, do not hesitate to seek it out.
At the same time, no one should pressure you to figure out what to do with the clothes and things that you had ready for the baby.
Laughter is healthy, you should not be afraid of it. Also, do not think that it is disrespectful to the baby’s memory if you are able to smile or feel happy.

Finally; If you need a ritual to honor or to remember your child, do so.

Last remarks

Perinatal grief should be independent of the reasons why you lost your baby. The woman, the partner and the family have the right to feel and overcome their pain. Little by little, everyone will recover. It’s a matter of being patient, and waiting.